You know you can tell when you’ve been a place or at someone’s home for too long. You get the feeling that you’ve worn out your welcome. I’m getting up to leave now on some things because I feel like I’ve extended my time in that place.
Things happen but you keep it moving.. you can’t get stuck in a moment in time… it doesn’t define who you are so don’t allow yourself to get stuck. It will stunt your growth.
Whatever is meant to be will be so there is no need to stress about it.. All I can say is the present will soon be the past… so need to hold on it anything.. it definitely doesn’t last.. We can’t freeze moments in time.. we can only live them and remember.
It’s like a caterpiller.. it needs to become something beautiful but it must be given time to metamorphize (if there is a word).. It has to have time to grow and change into a beautiful butterfly…The butterfly eventually flies away to do what it was born to do…
How do I feel about it? I have no idea.. It really doesn’t matter… I have thoughts, feelings, and ideas but what do they matter. Nothing will be that isn’t to be. We live with the choices that we’ve made. Our worlds are shaped by our choices… Heh I made a choice that I could have walked away from but I chose to choose what I wanted…I had no expectations for the future. I had my eyes wide shut. I’m not hard core so I have a hard time with these kinds of choices but heh, I made the choice…. no ties… right now, I feel like I’m wearing out my welcome…
It is my responsibility to make sure that I don’t wear out my welcome. I’ll make sure that I limit contact, comments, and the desire to spill my feelings on paper, in songs, in bloggs, in tweets, in any form of communication.. in looks, in verbal comments, and in actions. India Arie said it best.. “let’s make it a long goodbye”.. As much as I’d like to savor the flavor, I can’t because it’s kinda lonely being out on a limb by yourself.. no one is there to tell you “heh chick the branch is about to crack.. come back to down from that tree”.. LOL.. As much as I’d like to travel from time into time to make myself born later, I can’t do that. Where is HG Wells when you need him? I would love to get in a time machine and eat pomfrits.. LOL.. (French Fries). I am living in the best time of my life right now because i’ve come to terms with who I am. This is one of the most frustrating times of my life because I know who I am but others don’t.
So now’s time to say goodnight to the chapter of my life that just began. I have to be able to move on… the question for now is… do I really want to move on.. do I just wanna do the Merideth Grey and say “I’m a sink with an open drain, anything you say flows straight out”! Or do I want to the Christina and be a rock star.. a cutter, no feelings, no ties, “the OR is the one place I can think and I’m thinking right now”.. SERIOUSLY.. I’ve gone back and forth with the fembot, robot, automaton thing for days now.. My coworkers think that I’m a robot, my manager thinks that I am a robot (for the most part), some think that I am cold hearted.. I can come off like that but I am so far from it… I am really a bag of water… those that take the time to get to know me and that have the ability to see through me, know that I am a huge bag of water.. Like my profile states..”I play tough as nails with my heart on my sleeve”. That is who I am.. really.. I love hard, play hard, and live with an open heart!!!!.
This might seem to be all over the place.. it is.. I am speaking of several things right now… I am getting my writing therapy in… I’ve already cried, laughed, remembered, thought, and talked aloud to myself…Now the blogg therapy is taking place..
It’s not easy being me, but welcome to my life. I have to live with the choices that I’ve made.. i made a choice not to become a teacher.. I made a choice to leave GSU in 1997 because I just couldn’t take it anymore.. I made a choice to break up with several people because I knew that I wasn’t ready or that they were not right for me. I made a choice to take chances on myself, I made a choice to put myself out there with a CD and a book even though I was timid with my approach.. it felt good to finish something.. it felt good to say this is me.. how I feel about any thing.. I made a choice to move home… i made a choice to not move to Atlanta in 1998 when all signs of success pointed that way.. I made a choice to be a cut above the rest at work so I could get promoted.. I made a choice to do all kinda stupid things that I regret now because hind sight is always 20/20.. I made a choice to love whom I love… I made a choice to dislike who I dislike.. I”m making a choice to stop bloggin now because I’m wearing out my welcome when it comes to your time..