Well alot has transpired since my last entry here on blogger.
First of all, I was overlooked for a promotion here at work. I wasn’t upset with the person who received the promotion. I was upset with the process. I felt as if my manager was planning this all along and that she wasn’t very honest with me about it. Since then, we have talked and she offered options on what else I could do in the company. I am not sure which road to take partly because I haven’t prayed about it and also because I dont’ know where I fit in this division of the business. I am an extremely creative person who loves to have fun while I am at work. My experience has been that once I start a new program or project, I always end up getting moved to another program. I hate that because I want to be a finisher. My whole life I have started things and never finished them. I finally finished one thing.. my CD. I felt like I was on my way at that point, but the reoccurring theme of not finishing keeps plaguing me. Now, I have to choose to do something else or remain doing the same thing. I am not sure where the program that I am in fits into the scheme of things.
Secondly, my relationship with my parents is horrible. My mother doesn’t believe that I love her. My daddy loves me because I am his little girl and will always be his little girl. He is proud of me and my accomplishments but in doing so, it puts a strain on his relationship with my mom. She constantly tells me that “he’s my husband” and “you’re not gonna use him”. I in turn remind her that he is still my daddy and will always be my daddy. She grew up without a daddy and he died before making it right. She was his oldest child. I have come to the conclusion that she doesn’t know a father’s love and therefore doesn’t understand my relationship with my dad or his love for me so she tries to protect him in some way. I remember when she told me that she always wanted to be close to her oldest daughter, but I am not what she expected. She isn’t very affectionate and I on the other hand am. I can try to hug her at times but she doesn’t hug back unless I make her and she blames it on the her thinking that I want something from her. All I have ever wanted was for her to love me. I remember when I graduated from High school. She stood up and said that she was proud of me. That was the first and only time I ever remember her saying that at all. Since then our relationship has been strained because of mainly one issue: MONEY. Yes I messed up alot in college and some after college as an adult. She equates money with proving that she loves us… I told her that I would much rather have her affection. She says I just try to use them. It hurts me so bad because I do love my parents. They just don’t for some reason know how to love me back. Money isn’t everything.. Now don’t get me wrong.. it is important but not everything.
Thirdly, I am in a relationship that is on its third try. I must admit that when I fall, I fall hard. Well, I am gone but it is a long distance relationship. It isn’t the easiest thing for me to handle because we don’t talk often enough . I have to have communication because I rarely get it elsewhere. I go home and I try to talk to my parents but it only becomes ammunition for a future arguement. I have some friends but you can’t tell them everything. Am I becoming needy all over again? I was considering letting the man go because I just can’t handle the inconsistency right now. I need something constant. Someone who wants to share life. I have enough built up on the inside of me right now. I was going to drive down to where he lives today to speak to him about why we go through these same problems during the same time of year every year. Maybe it isn’t even him.. it could be me. I received a word that God would bless me with that special man that understands me as well as friends that understood me because most people don’t understand that I love people. I have to hold on to that word. I never really understood what it meant for the cares of this world to choke the word.. but I know now. I love my special person but I am not sure I can take the heartache right now. Isn’t the person supposed to be there for you and with you? I try not to shy away when I have a problem. He tends to pull close and then pull away. I have enough of that in my life right now. I would like somebody who will be here for the long haul.. Am I trippin? Possibly so, but in the midst of my trippin I know that I need to get all of this out of me. They say that when you think on something to long it isn’t good and I know I gotta cast my cares on God because he is the one who won’t ever leave me. Men can make promises and can’t keep them. I am torn between purchasing a condo or waiting to see if my special person will ask me to marry him and we build together.. Of course the romantic me says wait… but then all the practicalities come into play and say “go for yours…” I want to have a husband and a family.. It just seems that it will never happen… but the moment that it seems like that is the moment I have to realize that it will.. Why am I so insecure about this? Have I bought into the lie?
So the bottom line is this: I am going through changes right now… I welcome change.. I just don’t want to spend my life all alone with no one to come home to or welcome home. I feel like I am losing the love of my life because maybe I am pushing him away.. maybe he is running….maybe I am feeding into what my parents say about no one ever wanting to marry me and I end up pushing people away… What do I say about myself? What does God say about all of this?
I say that I am a one of the most loving and caring people on this planet.. Sometimes I get distracted.. I like things to go right even though I know that they don’t all the time… I like order.. I like to plan major things out… I like to have fun and I love to do things in the spur of the moment too… I love life and I love to be around people.. I don’t like to be isolated… I like to share my thoughts and feelings. I like to sing, write poetry, take walks, play games, take pictures, meet interesting people, travel, and laugh… I like to be challenged.. I like to dig to find answers when they aren’t easily found.. I’d like to be married one day with maybe 2 kids…
Some of my hang ups are: I don’t like broken promises… why? because I have had so many broken before that I would rather that promises aren’t made… because I literally take people at their word. I don’t know how to express myself with being emotional/crying… I have no idea where this came from.. I don’t like tobe called names… I don’t like to be forgotten or ignored… I don’t like it when people just say “because I said so”…
What does God say about me? I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He has given me everything that pertains to life and godliness. I know he ultimately has the answers to all of my problems and changes. He is the one who allows this to happen anyway. Anytime the enemy attacks he has to get permission. So should I drive out of town today? Yes I should because I have to make it right with T. I want to know what is left to salvage. I want to face this problem head on and conquer it for the first time!